


Together and Not

by MeredithBrody



Category: NCIS, NCIS: New Orleans
Genre: F/M, Pre-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-24 11:55:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7507318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeredithBrody/pseuds/MeredithBrody
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Following their undercover assignment Merri makes some decisions about the future of her relationship with Gibbs (follow-on from my fic "All Downhill From Here")</p>
            </blockquote>





	Together and Not

**Author's Note:**

> This is a follow on from THIS fic posted on ff.net  
> https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11696067/1/All-Downhill-From-Here

_**There’s a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend** _   
_**There’s a fine, fine line between reality and pretend** _   
_**And you never know ‘til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb** _   
_**There’s a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time** _

Right now Merri knew very few things. She trusted even less. After all the debriefing and the meetings, all the psychological tests and the reintegration exercises she just needed to go home. Otherwise her thoughts would just linger on her ‘friend’, her ‘partner’. Her Gibbs. When had that been how she came to think about him, even privately.

For months they had been pretending to be married, they had been pretending that their real lives didn’t exist. They had immersed themselves in the job they had been assigned, and that had led to the two of them blurring the lines too. The pretence to their relationship had faded away as they had become their characters.

The line between friend, partner and lover had been blurred. It was always a fine line, one that almost all undercover agents struggled with. But in this situation it had vanished all together, either that or they had left it so far behind them that neither of them could see it in their rear-view mirrors any longer.

All of this from now on, it was going to be an uphill climb. Whatever they did. Merri had made her choice though. She knew what she wanted, but it wasn’t what was best for either of them. They needed to detach and focus on what actually would be the best for them. So she slid out of the office before he came out and went home, or back to the hotel NCIS was putting her in, since she didn’t have a home.

_**There’s a fine, fine line between a fairytale and a lie** _   
_**There’s a fine, fine line between “you’re wonderful” and “goodbye”** _   
_**I guess if someone doesn’t love you back it isn’t such a crime** _   
_**But there’s a fine, fine line between love and a waste of your time** _

There was a knock at the door sometime late into her second book. She had no idea what time it was, and so she was surprised there was someone at the door. When she looked through and saw who was there she sighed and opened it, shaking her head a little at the fact he was there, and she hadn’t been able to get the clean getaway that she’d desperately wanted. “Can you just leave me alone, Jethro?”

“Merri...” He started, and she just went to shut the door before he put a hand out, reaching down out to slide her hair back behind her ear before just holding the door again. Giving her that same look that had gotten her into all the trouble while they were on the assignment. Let alone the trouble they could get into here.

“Look, we’re back in the US... we’re not meant to see each other anymore. We’re not on assignment now.” She wanted to impress that upon him, and she remembered all the talk he’d had about what he wanted to do, the life he wanted to get back to. A life that it had been obvious that she wasn’t going to have a place in. She was OK with that though, there was no guarantee he’d have a place in hers. “You can go back to your life.”

“Do you think that I only cared about you for the assignment?” There was a question that seemed like he couldn’t believe what he’d heard. What he’d been thinking. She knew that mostly why he cared was the case, it wasn’t about anything else. “Dammit Meredith, I thought you’d gotten to know me better than that.” Gibbs’ face shone in the light from the wall sconce beside him and she just sighed a little as his fingers went back to her hair. “Please let me in.”

“You don’t love me though, I know that. That’s OK. I can accept that.” There was no doubt about that in her mind. He didn’t love her, not the way she deserved to be loved. Not the way she wanted to be loved at the very least. She didn’t want him to have to pretend that he loved her when they both knew better.

“Don’t tell me how I feel.” There was a hint of protectiveness in his voice, maybe even a little possessiveness, but neither were full of conviction. She understood. She didn’t feel it either. While she loved him, it was based on the strangest experience, and nothing seemed to be standing up to the real world.

“I can see it, I know.” She muttered, then actually let him in and shut the door. “You’re right, I do know you better than that. What we shared... it was special, but you aren’t looking for me, and you’re not looking for a relationship.” He’d told her that more than once over the months. They were both just looking for a warm body. That was how this had developed. Into a way to connect after attacks, and ways to reassure each other when they were struggling. “Even if you were, I’m not sure I’d be what you wanted.”

_**And I don’t have the time to waste on you anymore** _   
_**I don’t think that you even know what you’re looking for** _   
_**For my own sanity I’ve gotta close the door and walk away** _

She knew that he maybe wasn’t entirely following her points, but she knew if she left him thinking about it for long enough that he would figure out that she was saying that all of this was only for now. She was moving on, maybe more physically than he’d expect, and he deserved to now that. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I’m leaving for South Carolina in the morning, I’m being assigned as a temporary agent.” She left that as open as she could, but at the look on his face she wasn’t certain if he was shocked that she had a plan, or if he still didn’t quite know what she was going to do. “I’m going to fill in where I’m needed.” She continued, and watched to see i the expression changed. It didn’t.

“Are you sure?” He muttered quietly a few seconds later, moving closer to her again, she wasn’t actually all that surprised that he was trying to get some closeness, as she was telling him that she was moving a few states away, and she really didn’t know when she’d be back, or if she’d be back. Maybe there was a possibility that at some point in the future they would be interested and stable enough to get back together, but that wasn’t right now, or in a future that she could look to.

“I’m certain.” There was no point dragging it all along, and all she wanted to do about that was to be completely honest about it too. “I don’t know much right now, but I know that I need to get away from you, because if I don’t we’ll never pull away, and I have to put myself first.” In some ways, she was glad he was this close now, as one last night, one las hoorah, it might be something she needed.

“What if I want to put you first?” The question was rhetorical, because she knew he couldn’t deliver on it and in truth she was willing to assume that he knew he wasn’t ever going to be able to promise her that either. He wasn’t the kind of guy who would put someone else forward when he had to save an innocent, and she’d want it to at the very least be a tough decision.

“I don’t think you know what you want. I have to go.” She trailed off, then felt his lips go to hers. They spent the night reliving their assignment, and all the things that she was going to miss when she wouldn’t be able to see him every day. She was going to miss almost everything about him in truth, she was going to miss his hands and his hair and his opinions. She would miss him, but she also knew that this was the very best thing.

_**There’s a fine, fine line between together and not** _   
_**There’s a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you’ve got** _   
_**You’ve gotta go after the things you want while you’re still in your prime** _   
_**There’s a fine, fine line between love, and a waste of time.** _

She woke up in the morning and he was there in the bed beside her, and she knew this had to be the last time, she couldn’t do it anymore, and she knew it wasn’t going to be good for him either. In fact, it might have actually been worse for him to cling on to this. That line was still there, and she could see it stretching out in front of them.

The line was what separated them from ever truly being a viable couple. Nothing they could ever do, could ever be, was sustainable. They weren’t the type of people who would ever have that kind of luck, and they would never be able to make it happen and stay in the careers they loved.

She wanted to be with him, she truly did, but she was too pragmatic for that. She knew there was something better out there for the both of them. Who knew, she might meet the guy of her dreams in the next few weeks. Who knew. She knew what she needed, and she knew that he needed more than she would ever really be able to offer him.

Love was not enough here, it would never be enough for this. All it truly was, was an excuse not to be alone. They both deserved better than that. If they pursued this further it was just going to be a waste of time for the both of them and she knew better She knew she couldn’t waste time like that. That wasn’t how life worked.


End file.
